THE COMPLETE WOMAN

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I have always loved them tall, dark and handsome, giving me every tender loving care (TLC) I deserve per time. I can't just get enough of the "handsomes", but have I not had enough fair share of these all?

Tope and I started dating six months ago. He's my kind of guy, cute, tall, dark and handsome. We met in church but does he have the christian values? I found out three months into dating him, but I wanted it to be so right. He was in the choir unit while I was an usher. He had all of the female attention that there was always one new girl that needs mentorship after service. He's a minstrel but behind this covering, only God knows best

Anyways, my guy was the popular guy in church every girl wanted to date. You know such positions comes with its disadvantages but Tope did not manage it well. He was so enveloped in these attention from ladies that he began comparing me with these girls. My dressing wasn't enough for him again. There was a particular way I should dress. Oh! He dealt with my self esteem. I felt I could lose him and should do anything to keep him because "men were scarce", an ideology he brainwashed me into. I began shopping on my little salary, he wasn't giving any money to keep up with his demands. By the way, I just wanted to be married, so I ignored all of the red flags.

Little time 'my Tope' started asking for sex. All of this within six months. I was confused because I knew this one wasn't what I could give Him. I had a covenant with God and I wouldn't break it for anything. I tried several other ways to keep him such as making weekend soups for him, cleaning his place but he wasn't giving in. I was still head bent on making this work. I totally forgot I had the Holy Spirit to teach me in this situation. Did I even start with Him? It was based off my head knowledge and preferences and I was so certain it would work with this spiritual brother.

I finished from work so tired one night but I wanted to make my relationship work, you know. I went on to the market. Did some shopping for "seven-lives" ogbono soup, ugu soup and afang. I just wanted to spoil him for the next week. I got home prepared all of these soups with the plan of surprising him at home the next morning. I made it to his place that Saturday morning, opened the door to the surprise of my life. 'My Tope' was found on the settee caressing one of my fellow ushers in church. My head spinned for one minute but I wasn't going to give them a scene. I went ahead to the kitchen, kept the soups in the freezer and announced to Tope if he would like rice. I said nothing about their position and they were both dumbfounded.

At that time, the girl had hurried to the room, packed her things and left. All that was ringing in my head was that I must not lose him. Tope came over to the kitchen on one knee to apologise he was sorry and that it would never repeat itself again. I accepted as I was like, "At least he asked for forgiveness"

In later months, that scenario seemed like I gave him a license to cheat on me officially. I started meeting all manners of girls at his place for 'music mentorship'. I was taking all of this in but at a point I could not anymore I broke it up with my spiritual brother.

I started dating since my first year in the university, the premier University of course (University of Ibadan). This was out of sheer quest for knowledge on how to relate with the opposite sex. I picked up this ideology one evening while I was in the hostel in SS2, when my best friend, Fedora, and I were discussing when we would start dating.

"Charles is asking me out but I don't know what to tell him, I am not ready for a relationship", I stated.

"When would you be ready, girl. We have to try this thing out o, so we can learn on time. No slacking girl. As for me, once we are done with WAEC, I'm giving in to Tayo", Fedora declared.

Making An Impact

That was my thought process all through university days, trial and error but look at me now, where has that placed me? I am 28 years now and I have been trying them all out based off this ideology but where has it landed me? Focusing on the container instead of the content. I guess the older you get the wiser you become but am I? I have been concentrating on the wrong things leaving out the main deal.

Actually, I have been playing the hard-to-get real well but I keep picking the wrong guys! Thank God for this "Complete Woman Conference" I attended. How was I to know all of these new truths?

Now I realise the most important thing is working with the Holy Spirit to choose a spouse. Yes, people still hear from God. Although looking at the container isn't bad but have I checked out his character? Does he do what he stands for? Not like my last relationship with Tope who was tongue talking but was still disturbing me for sex. Does he say one thing in the presence of the saints and another behind? Is he a true believer or a believer by mouth. Only God knows who is serving him but as Christians, we have the fruits of the Spirit. Is he exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit or are we blinded by love or desperation?

The speaker further identified that both party in a relationship should be friends because when the emotions fade out, friendship would sustain it. That was not my case with Henry last two years, we were just forming love like contractual mates. I just wanted to get married that year, no wonder it ended that way.

Another lesson I got is the three fold cord. The fact that God should be involved in the relationship. The attention must be on God to teach us to love each other if not we would want to satisfy our selfish desires. Which finally brings me to my final lesson, understanding our individual identities so we do not become parasitic to each other. It would be a lot of work for one person to be everything to you. Only God can fill that vacuum.

Look at me now, I am super fortified for the future, all by attending a 3 hour conference. I am the Complete Woman. I never knew I could get this much clarity in one day. I'm so excited about the future. I am super certain I am set to fly on eagle's wings. I can't thank God enough for wisdom.

The next Monday morning was a public holiday. Quick one, I'm a banker (or rather, I work in a bank as an IT expert) and I have always cherished the idea of being a banker since I was a child. I just loved how they dress and look impeccable each time. Particularly how my aunty, aunty Tola was respected each time she spent mint money at parties. I know my reasons for studying the course are not weighty but you know such things catch the fancy of a young teenager. Being a banker does not allow me 'flex' with my friends a whole lot because I was always busy as well as active in church. So tell me, where is the time? Jade, my work colleague, announced she is hosting a beach party next Monday while we were having a strategic meeting last week. What choice did I have, she already saddled me with responsibilities, so, I must be there.

Here am I this Monday morning considering what to wear. I practically had nothing to wear. All thanks to my flatmate, Shade, that came to my rescue. She insisted she does my make up regardless of time. So, am all set for the beach, looking all sweet and lovely.

The beach party was on point! Not an alcohol party though (Jade knows my kind of girl and would not invite me if it was a dirty party). I had crazy fun and met new people. By the way, I already stopped scouting for a man as I now understand I am an inheritance to any man and he would find me if he is a true son of God. I realized inheritances are for sons and not outsiders, so, I would wait.

I was friendly to everyone at the party. Treated everyone with respect and that joy God gave me never left me without a smile plastered on my lips. Oh! I had fun. I made a new friend Kenny, who it seemed we hit it off from the first contact. We were both flowing on the same frequency, felt he was completing my sentences but I wasn't going to let this fool me because such has happened a dozen times. The funny thing he said was that he was a "church boy", but I didn't let this give me the 'saint' picture as I had been with church boys all my life but what was my gain? I'm just gonna keep him as my friend and place no expectation on him.

We kept talking, meeting, oh! there was always something to talk about. I practically forgot I was constantly talking to this guy for over six months. We were just plain friends nothing more. Our meetings were business related as we were both taking an online course (we are both IT gurus) and would discuss about new learning pathways. Our field is constantly evolving and knowledge is also evolving alongside.

After seven months of friendship, it felt a scale was taken off my face that Saturday evening Kenny officially asked me out. I was dumbfounded as I had shifted this whole idea of dating to the background. I was confessing for my husband and constantly praying to be at the center of God's will but I never expected anything from Kenny. I was just grinning from ear to ear keeping myself under control. Yes, Kenny is my kinda guy but I was done doing it all on my own. I definitely wasn't going to make this decision outside God. I told him I was going to pray about it.

I went back to God to ask Him about this sudden proposal. I indeed listened intently to His voice. I had a list of what I wanted in a man, how caring he should be, respect for my family, he should be my friend, not an infidel, a man that stands by his word, treats others right among others. God gave me a scripture and asked me to bring out that list and tick whatever I see in Kenny. Oh Lord! I was amazed he was all of it. How did I never see this coming. I was shocked at God's sense of humor. Just when I was not expecting it. I was just focused on knowing more of God and He indeed added everything to me. Now I can say, seek yet first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all other things would be added unto you. All other things was indeed added to me.

My son, Nathan, is marking his first birthday today and I'm reminscing about all of God's goodness. How He always gives His children the best. Kenny and I got married after one year of courtship and I have not had one day of regret. It has been blissful, we are learning to become more like God in our marriage. Look at how one day of beach party turned to a forever with my 'Word-Became-Flesh" man. How that 3 hour conference turned the trajectory of my life. Indeed it pays to stand with God, I was made COMPLETE in Him. I am a COMPLETE WOMAN!

Bio:
Abimbola Agboola is an author and speaker. She is passionate about women becoming the best version of themselves. She is devoted to the growth of the minds of women encouraging them to become all God has called them to be. She holds a masters degree in Industrial Sociology from the University of Ibadan, Nigeria. She founded a platform called Rubies Network, a faith-based platform with a goal to be a world class shelter for young ladies to discover and live purposefully.

Abimbola